‘THE SURRENDER’

I Know, I know. I have been MIA for a while.

Okay, for a long while but  come on, life is way messier when you’re me. And never the less, I have been dealing with this thing I’ve coined ‘the surrender’.

The surrender is my theme for this year because I have this weird obssesion with holding unto my future. I want to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay. I want to figure out plan A, B, and C because I need to know the end results. I just need to.

Sadly, my needing to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay didn’t end up working so well for me last year. You see, I was stuck. I was in this place of wanting and not receiving, in this place of stagnancy when all I wanted was to run, fly,  just do.

You know that scene in Mean Girls when Casey is trying to seduce Aaron Samuels at her party and goes, “Oh no, it was coming up again, word vomit, no wait a minute…actual vomit.”

That, that is exactly how I felt all last year. Word vomit guys, not real vomit. Come on now.

Anyway, I was so desperately wanting something else apart from the life I was living, that I complained. Oh, I complained, and complained.  I complained myself sick; I’m sure even God covered his ears just to drown out my ungrateful droning. I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy with my life that I was fighting God.

How? Because here I was in my third year of University studying Law, and I hated it. I wanted to do anything else. I felt ill with how sad I was. And, there was no one. Its funny how no matter how many people may be around you, showing you love, you can still find that innate reason to be unhappy and alone. I had never been more consumed by such a dark season. But, I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was in this pit. Overtaken. Sad. Weak. Alone. Drowning. It affected every part of my life. School. Friends. Grades.

And then, God said something to me. Something in  1 Peter 5:6.

You see, I had been fighting the whole time. This whole time, I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I knew what I needed to be doing and what should be happening in my life. You see, God had clearly placed me in University for that season, but I wasn’t humbling myself under His mighty hand so He could life me up in due time. I was fighting Him. I was fighting His plans and I was losing, miserably.

But, in His mercy, He spoke to me through my pride (it was unknown pride, but it was still pride.) He said, “Humble yourself, my darling girl.” And then He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark, murky ocean, into His glorious light.

Sooo, that is why I decided it’d be a good idea to hand The Father who knows all, and works all things for my good- the reigns this year.

Well? Any changes? you ask.

Amazing changes.

I’ll update on this blog weekly.

P.S: I’m really hoping to do so much more with this blog. (And posting regularly? Yes, please!)

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Passionately,

Leanne.

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The Life of a {slightly crazed} Student

Y’ALL.

I’m sure everyone feels this at one point in time in their lives…but, this happens to me so often that I feel I must rant about it. I am a slightly crazed, sometimes jumbled, incredibly well-meaning, but usually failing (and almost always strugggling) at life student. Seriously.

I look longlingly at YouTube Guru’s who seem to have it all together, hence the “how to be organized” posts which of course are well-meaning, but almost always end up making me feel like c-r-a-p, and I cry. Yes, I cry. The funny thing is, while I am crying, I am usually also laughing at myself. Because I handle things the way Leanne would. The way Leanne always has. (And I am not saying there is no hope for Leanne, with God, there is a glimpse of hope for good ol’ Leanne. (also I don’t know why I am talking about myself in the third person, excuse me.)

Let me explain:

Once, when I was fourteen years old, I put my P.E kit in the washing machine the morning of school…and when I realized it hadn’t dried yet (duh.), I proceeded to put my soaking wet P.E kit in my gym bag because my logic was, “maybe it will dry in my bag just in time for P.E.” To my dismay, when I poked my head in my gym bag during P.E,  it was still wet. I had to nervously raise my hand up and ask Mrs. Hulley (who was a terrifying red-faced muscular woman) for an extra P.E kit. And when she asked where mine was, I said in a shaking voice, ( and with the with the whole class watching) that it was still soaking wet in my bag. “WET,” she thundered, “ARE. YOU. A. BABY?” her red face loomed above my terrified one, as the whole class snickered…and well, you get the picture.

Now that I am twenty year old University student trying to juggle life, I am a mess. Even more so now that it is mid-term season. I keep wondering how I survived my two previous years at University with relatively high grades…and I think Jesus literally said.. “look at her, she does not have one frigging clue, let’s help her.”

Here’s some advice to my fellow, slightly crazed students:

  1. Pray, hard.
  2. Don’t procrastinate (meaning, don’t look at the zillion things you have due, and decide that you are going to binge watch Chicago PD. Trust me, it will not end well.)
  3. Go for walks. (meaning, leave your room at least once a week kids.)
  4. Do assignments/essays as as soon as you have any free time.
  5. School isn’t everything, there is life after Uni. (It is not the end of the world, if you fail that assignment.)
  6. Don’t put your P.E kit in the wash the morning of gym. (for all my high schoolers.)

Sincerely your girl,

Passionately Leanne

Life // October

I am currently sitting in one of my favourite little cafes in the middle of no where, thinking. You know those very rare times when something happens -it doesn’t have to be something major, but it brings your world into perspective? Yup. I had a very real conversation with one my flat mates and it left me thinking about life; she was telling me about a fact she faces daily in life and…all my heart did was sink. I mean, I was listening, and nodding, and trying to have this encouraging smile on my face, but on the inside I was feeling all kinds of sad.

It left a weird taste in my mouth because for the first time in my life, I realized that life is nothing without love, purpose, and Christ.

I kept thinking of all the expectations that life hands to us from a really young age. That we should go to school, that when we’re done school, we must do some higher level of school, and when we’re done more school, we better get our asses down to the job centre to get us a j-o-b, or better yet, a profession. The expectations of parents constantly worrying about your future which means that they push you towards the safe option, the expectation of doing the “right” thing, which a lot of the time means living in fear. Fear that we must follow the guidelines; the rulebook of surviving in society.

Then we’ve got the discouragers. The ones who have that dead look in their eyes.The ones who tell you in plain tones that you can’t do it. Whatever that ‘it’ is; they’d rather have you follow the rulebook, they’d rather have you have that same dead look in your eyes, the one they have in theirs.

I started to think about all these things as she was talking to me. I thought: “Oh my God, life is too short.” Like, whoa, life is too short to not have a hope. What my jumbling thoughts did was come to a realization. A realization that life can sometimes leave us with a bitter taste in our mouths; all the expectation and rule-following can leave us feeling a little bland. Almost like, every bit of happiness and hope is sucked out. You may be someone who is used to that blandness, someone who just does as he or she is told; someone people may call practical, you don’t question, you just do…or you may be someone like me. Someone who cannot live with that sadness in her soul; someone who has to chase after her heart. I say, whichever category you fall into as a human being; don’t be okay with the blandness. Don’t succumb to the bitterness or sadness. Find your happiness. Find your heart. Find God.There’s this short thing called life, and once you blink a couple of times, it’s over.

That is what the realization I came to, that time I had a conversation with with my flatmate.

Onto a random point, its autumn ya’ll. I am SO happy. I can’t- I can’t even. I legit have a pumpkin in my room to prove it. (Yes, I’m that girl.)

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Til next week,

Passionately,

Leanne.