‘THE SURRENDER’

I Know, I know. I have been MIA for a while.

Okay, for a long while but  come on, life is way messier when you’re me. And never the less, I have been dealing with this thing I’ve coined ‘the surrender’.

The surrender is my theme for this year because I have this weird obssesion with holding unto my future. I want to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay. I want to figure out plan A, B, and C because I need to know the end results. I just need to.

Sadly, my needing to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay didn’t end up working so well for me last year. You see, I was stuck. I was in this place of wanting and not receiving, in this place of stagnancy when all I wanted was to run, fly,  just do.

You know that scene in Mean Girls when Casey is trying to seduce Aaron Samuels at her party and goes, “Oh no, it was coming up again, word vomit, no wait a minute…actual vomit.”

That, that is exactly how I felt all last year. Word vomit guys, not real vomit. Come on now.

Anyway, I was so desperately wanting something else apart from the life I was living, that I complained. Oh, I complained, and complained.  I complained myself sick; I’m sure even God covered his ears just to drown out my ungrateful droning. I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy with my life that I was fighting God.

How? Because here I was in my third year of University studying Law, and I hated it. I wanted to do anything else. I felt ill with how sad I was. And, there was no one. Its funny how no matter how many people may be around you, showing you love, you can still find that innate reason to be unhappy and alone. I had never been more consumed by such a dark season. But, I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was in this pit. Overtaken. Sad. Weak. Alone. Drowning. It affected every part of my life. School. Friends. Grades.

And then, God said something to me. Something in  1 Peter 5:6.

You see, I had been fighting the whole time. This whole time, I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I knew what I needed to be doing and what should be happening in my life. You see, God had clearly placed me in University for that season, but I wasn’t humbling myself under His mighty hand so He could life me up in due time. I was fighting Him. I was fighting His plans and I was losing, miserably.

But, in His mercy, He spoke to me through my pride (it was unknown pride, but it was still pride.) He said, “Humble yourself, my darling girl.” And then He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark, murky ocean, into His glorious light.

Sooo, that is why I decided it’d be a good idea to hand The Father who knows all, and works all things for my good- the reigns this year.

Well? Any changes? you ask.

Amazing changes.

I’ll update on this blog weekly.

P.S: I’m really hoping to do so much more with this blog. (And posting regularly? Yes, please!)

the surrender

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Passionately,

Leanne.

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The Life of a {slightly crazed} Student

Y’ALL.

I’m sure everyone feels this at one point in time in their lives…but, this happens to me so often that I feel I must rant about it. I am a slightly crazed, sometimes jumbled, incredibly well-meaning, but usually failing (and almost always strugggling) at life student. Seriously.

I look longlingly at YouTube Guru’s who seem to have it all together, hence the “how to be organized” posts which of course are well-meaning, but almost always end up making me feel like c-r-a-p, and I cry. Yes, I cry. The funny thing is, while I am crying, I am usually also laughing at myself. Because I handle things the way Leanne would. The way Leanne always has. (And I am not saying there is no hope for Leanne, with God, there is a glimpse of hope for good ol’ Leanne. (also I don’t know why I am talking about myself in the third person, excuse me.)

Let me explain:

Once, when I was fourteen years old, I put my P.E kit in the washing machine the morning of school…and when I realized it hadn’t dried yet (duh.), I proceeded to put my soaking wet P.E kit in my gym bag because my logic was, “maybe it will dry in my bag just in time for P.E.” To my dismay, when I poked my head in my gym bag during P.E,  it was still wet. I had to nervously raise my hand up and ask Mrs. Hulley (who was a terrifying red-faced muscular woman) for an extra P.E kit. And when she asked where mine was, I said in a shaking voice, ( and with the with the whole class watching) that it was still soaking wet in my bag. “WET,” she thundered, “ARE. YOU. A. BABY?” her red face loomed above my terrified one, as the whole class snickered…and well, you get the picture.

Now that I am twenty year old University student trying to juggle life, I am a mess. Even more so now that it is mid-term season. I keep wondering how I survived my two previous years at University with relatively high grades…and I think Jesus literally said.. “look at her, she does not have one frigging clue, let’s help her.”

Here’s some advice to my fellow, slightly crazed students:

  1. Pray, hard.
  2. Don’t procrastinate (meaning, don’t look at the zillion things you have due, and decide that you are going to binge watch Chicago PD. Trust me, it will not end well.)
  3. Go for walks. (meaning, leave your room at least once a week kids.)
  4. Do assignments/essays as as soon as you have any free time.
  5. School isn’t everything, there is life after Uni. (It is not the end of the world, if you fail that assignment.)
  6. Don’t put your P.E kit in the wash the morning of gym. (for all my high schoolers.)

Sincerely your girl,

Passionately Leanne

Wallowing.

I don’t know about you but my summer has been…well, trying. To say the least. I don’t like putting everything out there but if you were to read my God journal, you might get that I have been extremely down in the dumps for a while. Because I am so very private about my struggles, it’s almost like I’ve been in a little dark room for a long time with only my thoughts for company. First it was just my situation; my life, goals, career etc. Then it became the struggles my family has been dealing with. And then after that it was just one thing after the other going wrong, wrong, wrong. So what did I do?

I wallowed. In misery, I mean. Wallowing was my thing. It was me. Everyday I got up? Wallowed. Anyone say anything that I didn’t particularly like? Wallowed. Not talking to a friend? Wallowed. Boss being mean? Wallowed. Comparing my life to everyone else’s? Wallow, wallow, wallowed. It was like I couldn’t see any good thing in my life. Not one. And it’s only until very recently that I’ve realized how ungrateful I’ve been.

In Psalm 103, David says: “…Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and do not forget all of his benefits…”

His Benefits.

Things I don’t pray for that just happen. Things that just work together for my good. The fact that I can think about all the things I don’t have means I have a brain. The fact that I wake up every morning without any issues. The fact that I can walk briskly and run when I want to. The fact that I have a family. Friends. A car that takes me where I want to go. A job. Health. Food. It may sound silly to most of us in the western world because it such a normality to have basic things… but I have recently realized how much I have. The things I haven’t asked for that has freely been given to me.

His Benefits.

I’ve decided that there’s no more need for wallowing. No more focusing on what I don’t have. Instead, I’m going to use what I have to get what I don’t. I’m going to try my very best to wake up and have faith. (Please pray for me as I do!) To wake up and see all the benefits that surround me, and you should too.

Passionately,

Leanne