‘THE SURRENDER’

I Know, I know. I have been MIA for a while.

Okay, for a long while but  come on, life is way messier when you’re me. And never the less, I have been dealing with this thing I’ve coined ‘the surrender’.

The surrender is my theme for this year because I have this weird obssesion with holding unto my future. I want to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay. I want to figure out plan A, B, and C because I need to know the end results. I just need to.

Sadly, my needing to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay didn’t end up working so well for me last year. You see, I was stuck. I was in this place of wanting and not receiving, in this place of stagnancy when all I wanted was to run, fly,  just do.

You know that scene in Mean Girls when Casey is trying to seduce Aaron Samuels at her party and goes, “Oh no, it was coming up again, word vomit, no wait a minute…actual vomit.”

That, that is exactly how I felt all last year. Word vomit guys, not real vomit. Come on now.

Anyway, I was so desperately wanting something else apart from the life I was living, that I complained. Oh, I complained, and complained.  I complained myself sick; I’m sure even God covered his ears just to drown out my ungrateful droning. I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy with my life that I was fighting God.

How? Because here I was in my third year of University studying Law, and I hated it. I wanted to do anything else. I felt ill with how sad I was. And, there was no one. Its funny how no matter how many people may be around you, showing you love, you can still find that innate reason to be unhappy and alone. I had never been more consumed by such a dark season. But, I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was in this pit. Overtaken. Sad. Weak. Alone. Drowning. It affected every part of my life. School. Friends. Grades.

And then, God said something to me. Something in  1 Peter 5:6.

You see, I had been fighting the whole time. This whole time, I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I knew what I needed to be doing and what should be happening in my life. You see, God had clearly placed me in University for that season, but I wasn’t humbling myself under His mighty hand so He could life me up in due time. I was fighting Him. I was fighting His plans and I was losing, miserably.

But, in His mercy, He spoke to me through my pride (it was unknown pride, but it was still pride.) He said, “Humble yourself, my darling girl.” And then He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark, murky ocean, into His glorious light.

Sooo, that is why I decided it’d be a good idea to hand The Father who knows all, and works all things for my good- the reigns this year.

Well? Any changes? you ask.

Amazing changes.

I’ll update on this blog weekly.

P.S: I’m really hoping to do so much more with this blog. (And posting regularly? Yes, please!)

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Passionately,

Leanne.

The Life of a {slightly crazed} Student

Y’ALL.

I’m sure everyone feels this at one point in time in their lives…but, this happens to me so often that I feel I must rant about it. I am a slightly crazed, sometimes jumbled, incredibly well-meaning, but usually failing (and almost always strugggling) at life student. Seriously.

I look longlingly at YouTube Guru’s who seem to have it all together, hence the “how to be organized” posts which of course are well-meaning, but almost always end up making me feel like c-r-a-p, and I cry. Yes, I cry. The funny thing is, while I am crying, I am usually also laughing at myself. Because I handle things the way Leanne would. The way Leanne always has. (And I am not saying there is no hope for Leanne, with God, there is a glimpse of hope for good ol’ Leanne. (also I don’t know why I am talking about myself in the third person, excuse me.)

Let me explain:

Once, when I was fourteen years old, I put my P.E kit in the washing machine the morning of school…and when I realized it hadn’t dried yet (duh.), I proceeded to put my soaking wet P.E kit in my gym bag because my logic was, “maybe it will dry in my bag just in time for P.E.” To my dismay, when I poked my head in my gym bag during P.E,  it was still wet. I had to nervously raise my hand up and ask Mrs. Hulley (who was a terrifying red-faced muscular woman) for an extra P.E kit. And when she asked where mine was, I said in a shaking voice, ( and with the with the whole class watching) that it was still soaking wet in my bag. “WET,” she thundered, “ARE. YOU. A. BABY?” her red face loomed above my terrified one, as the whole class snickered…and well, you get the picture.

Now that I am twenty year old University student trying to juggle life, I am a mess. Even more so now that it is mid-term season. I keep wondering how I survived my two previous years at University with relatively high grades…and I think Jesus literally said.. “look at her, she does not have one frigging clue, let’s help her.”

Here’s some advice to my fellow, slightly crazed students:

  1. Pray, hard.
  2. Don’t procrastinate (meaning, don’t look at the zillion things you have due, and decide that you are going to binge watch Chicago PD. Trust me, it will not end well.)
  3. Go for walks. (meaning, leave your room at least once a week kids.)
  4. Do assignments/essays as as soon as you have any free time.
  5. School isn’t everything, there is life after Uni. (It is not the end of the world, if you fail that assignment.)
  6. Don’t put your P.E kit in the wash the morning of gym. (for all my high schoolers.)

Sincerely your girl,

Passionately Leanne

Life // October

I am currently sitting in one of my favourite little cafes in the middle of no where, thinking. You know those very rare times when something happens -it doesn’t have to be something major, but it brings your world into perspective? Yup. I had a very real conversation with one my flat mates and it left me thinking about life; she was telling me about a fact she faces daily in life and…all my heart did was sink. I mean, I was listening, and nodding, and trying to have this encouraging smile on my face, but on the inside I was feeling all kinds of sad.

It left a weird taste in my mouth because for the first time in my life, I realized that life is nothing without love, purpose, and Christ.

I kept thinking of all the expectations that life hands to us from a really young age. That we should go to school, that when we’re done school, we must do some higher level of school, and when we’re done more school, we better get our asses down to the job centre to get us a j-o-b, or better yet, a profession. The expectations of parents constantly worrying about your future which means that they push you towards the safe option, the expectation of doing the “right” thing, which a lot of the time means living in fear. Fear that we must follow the guidelines; the rulebook of surviving in society.

Then we’ve got the discouragers. The ones who have that dead look in their eyes.The ones who tell you in plain tones that you can’t do it. Whatever that ‘it’ is; they’d rather have you follow the rulebook, they’d rather have you have that same dead look in your eyes, the one they have in theirs.

I started to think about all these things as she was talking to me. I thought: “Oh my God, life is too short.” Like, whoa, life is too short to not have a hope. What my jumbling thoughts did was come to a realization. A realization that life can sometimes leave us with a bitter taste in our mouths; all the expectation and rule-following can leave us feeling a little bland. Almost like, every bit of happiness and hope is sucked out. You may be someone who is used to that blandness, someone who just does as he or she is told; someone people may call practical, you don’t question, you just do…or you may be someone like me. Someone who cannot live with that sadness in her soul; someone who has to chase after her heart. I say, whichever category you fall into as a human being; don’t be okay with the blandness. Don’t succumb to the bitterness or sadness. Find your happiness. Find your heart. Find God.There’s this short thing called life, and once you blink a couple of times, it’s over.

That is what the realization I came to, that time I had a conversation with with my flatmate.

Onto a random point, its autumn ya’ll. I am SO happy. I can’t- I can’t even. I legit have a pumpkin in my room to prove it. (Yes, I’m that girl.)

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Til next week,

Passionately,

Leanne.

Wallowing.

I don’t know about you but my summer has been…well, trying. To say the least. I don’t like putting everything out there but if you were to read my God journal, you might get that I have been extremely down in the dumps for a while. Because I am so very private about my struggles, it’s almost like I’ve been in a little dark room for a long time with only my thoughts for company. First it was just my situation; my life, goals, career etc. Then it became the struggles my family has been dealing with. And then after that it was just one thing after the other going wrong, wrong, wrong. So what did I do?

I wallowed. In misery, I mean. Wallowing was my thing. It was me. Everyday I got up? Wallowed. Anyone say anything that I didn’t particularly like? Wallowed. Not talking to a friend? Wallowed. Boss being mean? Wallowed. Comparing my life to everyone else’s? Wallow, wallow, wallowed. It was like I couldn’t see any good thing in my life. Not one. And it’s only until very recently that I’ve realized how ungrateful I’ve been.

In Psalm 103, David says: “…Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and do not forget all of his benefits…”

His Benefits.

Things I don’t pray for that just happen. Things that just work together for my good. The fact that I can think about all the things I don’t have means I have a brain. The fact that I wake up every morning without any issues. The fact that I can walk briskly and run when I want to. The fact that I have a family. Friends. A car that takes me where I want to go. A job. Health. Food. It may sound silly to most of us in the western world because it such a normality to have basic things… but I have recently realized how much I have. The things I haven’t asked for that has freely been given to me.

His Benefits.

I’ve decided that there’s no more need for wallowing. No more focusing on what I don’t have. Instead, I’m going to use what I have to get what I don’t. I’m going to try my very best to wake up and have faith. (Please pray for me as I do!) To wake up and see all the benefits that surround me, and you should too.

Passionately,

Leanne

 

 

 

Why I love Brooke Davis

It all started with the show, One Tree Hill. To be honest, I was never a big fan of the show when I was eleven. I would catch snippets of it- or be forced to watch an episode by my older sister who had stolen the remote before I could get to it. Though all the characters were a blur and the story line wasn’t interesting enough for my eleven year old self, one character stuck out tome. (I mean, other than the catchy theme song of course) Two words, three syllables. Brooke Davis.

She was the reason that I decided to re-watch One Tree Hill again. In my eleven year old memory, she was the prettiest crier I had ever seen (still is) and I couldn’t help but love the hopeless relationship she had with Lucas Scott. It was always on and off; and almost always ended with Brooke crying her pretty cry, (seriously if you don’t think she has the prettiest sad face ever, exit this page) or screaming at Lucas to love her back. Sigh. So hopelessly tragic. So, that was the image I had in mind when I decided to watch One Tree Hill again; I was fascinated by the girl who loved hard, but was never loved enough.

And after almost watching all nine seasons in one month, (okay, I had just finished exams and I needed to blow off some steam so instead of judging me maybe you should continue reading..thanks)  I was right. To be fascinated with her, I mean. Brooke Davis transformed from the brainless party chick to someone who held the entire show together. She was the girl people thought they could sum up. Looking at her, they crossed her off as just some pretty, materialistic, cheerleader. What looking at her didn’t tell you was that her parents were never around. And no, they weren’t doing anything super important or anything…they were just on vacation. Permanently. In fact, throwing her a credit card and zooming off to Bali to party and golf pretty much sums up their parenting skills.

Learning to survive on her own and putting on her big girl pants allowed Brooke to be the fiercely independent and loyal girl that blows me away. Brooke Davis’s heart was as big as the moon. Her loyalty to her best friend Peyton and her willingness to do absolutely anything for her friends and family is inspiring. Maybe it was the fact that she knew how to go life alone which is why she was always, always there when her friends needed her. In her relationship with Lucas, Brooke gave her all. She loved hard. She always loved hard. (But you did NOT want to get on her bad side, she could be your worst nightmare in two seconds (those feisty slaps she gave were unforgettable.You go, B. Davis!))Though Lucas caught a glimpse of Brooke’s character, and it seemed like he loved her, it was just not enough. His attention was almost always on Peyton Sawyer, consciously or unconsciously because he was always looking for someone to save. And our Brooke was not the pitiful, ‘save me’ type. She was strength in itself. She struggled with the fact that she was always there for people but in the end, no one was there for her. Most of all though, Brooke was a sucker for love, weddings, and babies. She never gave up hope even when her best-friend and boyfriend broke her heart by sneaking around together, twice. Even when in the end, she realized that it was, and would always be, Peyton Sawyer and Lucas Scott.

(this video is most definitely one of my favourite scenes in the entire show; it sums up Brooke’s struggle during her relationship with Lucas…and confirms that I was right about her being a pretty crier (too unfair))

Honestly I could go on about my girl crush on B. Davis for days. I mean, the girl started her own fashion company at the age of eighteen and made it a multi-million dollar cooperation by the age of twenty-two. Hashtag, girl boss. If that doesn’t do it for you, I don’t know what will. Yet most of all, I am in awe of the girl who never felt like she was enough. The girl who hid her broken heart behind a dimpled smile and a determination that almost always landed her with success. The girl who’s heart was way too big for her boots. The girl that took life by storm. Brooke Penelope Davis. The girl who was beautiful, loyal, and fierce.

Until the next post,

Passionately,

Leanne

The ‘Thing’ of not being Enough

There this thing with us girls. There’s this thing that holds us hostage, that stops us from truly shining, I think. And this thing is a feeling of unworthiness. A feeling of not quite measuring up, a feeling of being lesser than, a feeling of not being enough. There, I said it. I’m not saying that guys don’t feel it too, they do. But I see it in girls so much more. I hate being put into a box so I really don’t like to classify all girls, but time and time again I see it. This thing. This weight of not being enough. I see it in the way many girls portray themselves. Some hide it in guys. Some, in education. Some hide it in makeup, or fleeky eyebrows. Worse of all, some give themselves away with it. I relate all too well with this thing, because I’ve been there, and If  I’m truly honest I am not quite sure it has fully run away yet.

I may be perfectly fine listening to some Bethel worship music, or spending (far too much) time on social media; It can be weeks and weeks and months and months and then all of sudden, I feel it. The distinct feeling of not quite measuring up. Comparison. Insecurities. Sometimes full blown envy of someone else’s possessions, beauty or success. Blaming social media, or guys, or parents won’t solve the problem of this ‘thing’. Truth is, from the moment we are born this world shapes us. Who we end up being at the end of it all, is up to us.

Tonight, I felt it. The ‘thing’. It felt like a little bit of fear mixed with a whole lot of doubt. “Will I ever…?”, “Can I…?”, “Am I…?” Marianne Williamson said it best when she stated, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

I haven’t figured It out completely yet but I can say that anytime I do feel the ‘thing’, I pray. Because (cliche warning) contrary to what the world tells me, I know somewhere deep down that I am enough. I know that God created me with purpose, and love, and intent. Agreeing with this ‘thing’ stops me from shining. And something inside me just can’t accept that. I know it is easier said than truly believed but… You are enough, (contrary to what social media, mum, boyfriend, sister, cousin, boss, said) You are brave, and kind, and beautiful, and enough.

Passionately,

Leanne

 

Can Single Christians have Sexual Desires?

I wanted to make a video that could relate to Christians and even non-Christians in a real way. So God and I had a little chat, and He reminded me that many people deal with this topic, and that I have a bit of a platform to bring truth and love to others.

So here it is.

Hope this video brought about some clarity and peace of mind!

Passionately,

Leanne