I Know, I know. I have been MIA for a while.

Okay, for a long while but  come on, life is way messier when you’re me. And never the less, I have been dealing with this thing I’ve coined ‘the surrender’.

The surrender is my theme for this year because I have this weird obssesion with holding unto my future. I want to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay. I want to figure out plan A, B, and C because I need to know the end results. I just need to.

Sadly, my needing to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay didn’t end up working so well for me last year. You see, I was stuck. I was in this place of wanting and not receiving, in this place of stagnancy when all I wanted was to run, fly,  just do.

You know that scene in Mean Girls when Casey is trying to seduce Aaron Samuels at her party and goes, “Oh no, it was coming up again, word vomit, no wait a minute…actual vomit.”

That, that is exactly how I felt all last year. Word vomit guys, not real vomit. Come on now.

Anyway, I was so desperately wanting something else apart from the life I was living, that I complained. Oh, I complained, and complained.  I complained myself sick; I’m sure even God covered his ears just to drown out my ungrateful droning. I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy with my life that I was fighting God.

How? Because here I was in my third year of University studying Law, and I hated it. I wanted to do anything else. I felt ill with how sad I was. And, there was no one. Its funny how no matter how many people may be around you, showing you love, you can still find that innate reason to be unhappy and alone. I had never been more consumed by such a dark season. But, I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was in this pit. Overtaken. Sad. Weak. Alone. Drowning. It affected every part of my life. School. Friends. Grades.

And then, God said something to me. Something in  1 Peter 5:6.

You see, I had been fighting the whole time. This whole time, I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I knew what I needed to be doing and what should be happening in my life. You see, God had clearly placed me in University for that season, but I wasn’t humbling myself under His mighty hand so He could life me up in due time. I was fighting Him. I was fighting His plans and I was losing, miserably.

But, in His mercy, He spoke to me through my pride (it was unknown pride, but it was still pride.) He said, “Humble yourself, my darling girl.” And then He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark, murky ocean, into His glorious light.

Sooo, that is why I decided it’d be a good idea to hand The Father who knows all, and works all things for my good- the reigns this year.

Well? Any changes? you ask.

Amazing changes.

I’ll update on this blog weekly.

P.S: I’m really hoping to do so much more with this blog. (And posting regularly? Yes, please!)

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The ‘Thing’ of not being Enough

There this thing with us girls. There’s this thing that holds us hostage, that stops us from truly shining, I think. And this thing is a feeling of unworthiness. A feeling of not quite measuring up, a feeling of being lesser than, a feeling of not being enough. There, I said it. I’m not saying that guys don’t feel it too, they do. But I see it in girls so much more. I hate being put into a box so I really don’t like to classify all girls, but time and time again I see it. This thing. This weight of not being enough. I see it in the way many girls portray themselves. Some hide it in guys. Some, in education. Some hide it in makeup, or fleeky eyebrows. Worse of all, some give themselves away with it. I relate all too well with this thing, because I’ve been there, and If  I’m truly honest I am not quite sure it has fully run away yet.

I may be perfectly fine listening to some Bethel worship music, or spending (far too much) time on social media; It can be weeks and weeks and months and months and then all of sudden, I feel it. The distinct feeling of not quite measuring up. Comparison. Insecurities. Sometimes full blown envy of someone else’s possessions, beauty or success. Blaming social media, or guys, or parents won’t solve the problem of this ‘thing’. Truth is, from the moment we are born this world shapes us. Who we end up being at the end of it all, is up to us.

Tonight, I felt it. The ‘thing’. It felt like a little bit of fear mixed with a whole lot of doubt. “Will I ever…?”, “Can I…?”, “Am I…?” Marianne Williamson said it best when she stated, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

I haven’t figured It out completely yet but I can say that anytime I do feel the ‘thing’, I pray. Because (cliche warning) contrary to what the world tells me, I know somewhere deep down that I am enough. I know that God created me with purpose, and love, and intent. Agreeing with this ‘thing’ stops me from shining. And something inside me just can’t accept that. I know it is easier said than truly believed but… You are enough, (contrary to what social media, mum, boyfriend, sister, cousin, boss, said) You are brave, and kind, and beautiful, and enough.




Waiting For Mr. Right.

The thing is, waiting is scary. Point-blank, period. I mean, it can be an exciting experience or an exciting emotion to feel, but to me, it’s just nerve-racking. To me, waiting means trusting in something bigger than myself. Someone, bigger than myself. How can I trust in something I don’t know will happen? Something I can’t see? But that is exactly who God is. Something I can’t see. Something I can’t see…but I know that I know that I know, exists. Waiting means giving my faith a chance to work. Giving my faith in God a chance to do amazing things.

I’ve had a couple of friends ask me why I’m still single. Why I don’t have a boyfriend. Or why I haven’t dated anyone since however long they’ve known me…and the truth is, I’m waiting. As cliche as it sounds, I am waiting for Mr. Right. But not just Mr. Right, but Mr. Loves-Jesus-with-all-his-heart. I am waiting for God’s best, because I know that when God places this guy in my life, It will be more beautiful than I ever could’ve imagined. Of course I’m human and I still doubt…

I doubt that I will ever meet this person that will pour into me as I pour into him. Who will get on his face and pray for me, as I do him. I doubt that I will meet a guy who loves Jesus with all his heart as I do. Someone who will sacrifice daily for God’s will, someone who will constantly push me towards God, and someone who will love me like Jesus does…I mean come on, it’s 2015 right?

Wrong. I mean, yes it is 2015, and yes I read a slightly depressing statistic that said that 85 percent of relationships end in break-ups,and an even more depressing face book post that explained what we call a ‘relationship’ in 2015 which was the epitome of the phrase, ‘friends with benefits’, and the fact that seemingly all the guys that ‘like’ me, have rubbish intentions… But you know what? Faith is believing in the impossible. The bible tells me that with God, all things are possible. So I choose to trust, I choose to believe, and I choose to WAIT. And while I’m waiting? I choose to serve God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind.