I am gonna be completely honest with you guys. I have been sad. I have been empty, and hurting, I have not been content, I have been selfish. I have ignored God countless of times, I have disregarded His decisions, I’ve conformed to the world. I’ve cared too much what others think of me. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been angry at God, I’ve hated my life. I’ve turned away from the Lord. I have been in-genuine when worshiping Him; only wanting what he can give me instead of worshiping Him for who He is. I have not been perfect, I have struggled.
I struggle and still am struggling. I long to be in His presence and hear His voice but I don’t make much of an effort to find His heart. I’ve been consumed by the world and completely lost.
I wrote this in my God diary a couple of days ago: “Sometimes, and only sometimes, when I play worship music, I am in Your presence, I get to that place of pureness and love , just pureness and love, pureness and love, and I see hundreds of hands just earnestly seeking Your heart, with no agenda, no selfishness. Only to worship You, just to raise their hands in worship of You, in awe of Your love. That place I go gives me so much hope; my heart literally jumps when I’m there; it is the purest form of worship I’ve ever seen. My eyes are open, and I realize that nothing matters but You.”
It’s so easy to slip away from the Lord. It’s so easy to act as if my life is perfect. It’s so easy to be consumed by social media, friends, life and the deception of this generation. It’s so easy to pretend I’m this perfect leader on You-Tube and to others. So easy. Yet again and again, I am brought to my knees by the creator of the heavens; the one who sees my heart and fathoms my thoughts from afar; the one who made me in the secret place. I am encouraged to draw back to Him, I am given countless of second chances and I am loved over, and over, and over again. His grace is so sufficient in my weaknesses. He still calls me enough, and still welcomes me back with opened arms.
“…For the Lord searches every heart and understands the intention of every thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you…”
– 1 Chronicles 28: 9