I Know, I know. I have been MIA for a while.
Okay, for a long while but come on, life is way messier when you’re me. And never the less, I have been dealing with this thing I’ve coined ‘the surrender’.
The surrender is my theme for this year because I have this weird obssesion with holding unto my future. I want to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay. I want to figure out plan A, B, and C because I need to know the end results. I just need to.
Sadly, my needing to know that I know that I know that everything will be okay didn’t end up working so well for me last year. You see, I was stuck. I was in this place of wanting and not receiving, in this place of stagnancy when all I wanted was to run, fly, just do.
You know that scene in Mean Girls when Casey is trying to seduce Aaron Samuels at her party and goes, “Oh no, it was coming up again, word vomit, no wait a minute…actual vomit.”
That, that is exactly how I felt all last year. Word vomit guys, not real vomit. Come on now.
Anyway, I was so desperately wanting something else apart from the life I was living, that I complained. Oh, I complained, and complained. I complained myself sick; I’m sure even God covered his ears just to drown out my ungrateful droning. I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy with my life that I was fighting God.
How? Because here I was in my third year of University studying Law, and I hated it. I wanted to do anything else. I felt ill with how sad I was. And, there was no one. Its funny how no matter how many people may be around you, showing you love, you can still find that innate reason to be unhappy and alone. I had never been more consumed by such a dark season. But, I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was in this pit. Overtaken. Sad. Weak. Alone. Drowning. It affected every part of my life. School. Friends. Grades.
And then, God said something to me. Something in 1 Peter 5:6.
You see, I had been fighting the whole time. This whole time, I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I knew what I needed to be doing and what should be happening in my life. You see, God had clearly placed me in University for that season, but I wasn’t humbling myself under His mighty hand so He could life me up in due time. I was fighting Him. I was fighting His plans and I was losing, miserably.
But, in His mercy, He spoke to me through my pride (it was unknown pride, but it was still pride.) He said, “Humble yourself, my darling girl.” And then He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark, murky ocean, into His glorious light.
Sooo, that is why I decided it’d be a good idea to hand The Father who knows all, and works all things for my good- the reigns this year.
Well? Any changes? you ask.
I’ll update on this blog weekly.
P.S: I’m really hoping to do so much more with this blog. (And posting regularly? Yes, please!)